The first twenty-four.

 

I went back and forth between them all night long.

She had not woken from anesthesia yet.

 

‘Wake up! Wake up!’  I silently demanded her.   

You might miss her! 

Oh god. Oh god.

 

They wouldn’t let me wake her. 

They refused to wake her.

They refused. 

She will never forgive me.

She would want me to do something.

What should I do? 

I knew I would be angry if I wasn’t woken and told. 

It’s her baby! 

She needs to know... NOW!

 

 

I did what I thought I should...I videotaped her baby.

I videotaped her face up close, her hands, and her feet...

I cried and cried and cried.

I wondered if it was the right thing to do?  It may be the only way....

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. 

I just didn’t want her to....to miss her.  Oh, god. 

 

I sang to her. 

I touched her.

I called her name.

I told her, ‘your Mom’s coming.’

I told her, ‘your Mom loves you.’

 

I asked her to stay...

‘Please baby, for your Mom’

I asked her to hold on a little longer. 

 

I was so scared. 

I didn’t know what to do.

 

Finally, she woke from the anesthetic. 

She looked at me, smiled and said, ‘hi’.

She was happy.  I was relieved when she fell back to sleep. 

They knew she was awake but said the doctor wasn’t ready to tell her yet. 

The doctor wasn’t ready...

 

I tried very hard to hide my sorrow, my immeasurable sadness and my fright from her. 

But it didn’t matter; she knew there was something wrong. 

‘Have you been crying?’  She was suspicious. 

She started asking questions about her babe. 

I was terrified. 

 

I couldn’t tell her. 

I couldn’t tell her. 

Oh god, she was going to hate me for not telling her.